The Hardest Day

As a mother I obviously want nothing more than the very best for my babies. I would give up my life if it meant theirs would be spared. I would do absolutely anything to protect them. So when my big baby developed a problem with his eye and started squinting and zoning in and out, just over a month ago, we rushed him off to be checked. After CT scans, Oncologists and a number of hospital visits we established that the cause was, as they put it, not sinister. RELIEF. We were referred to the Opthalmologist and given an appointment an agonising six weeks later. That appointment date finally arrived last friday.

The worst his eyes got at the start, week 1

I was very nervous about this appointment - we had waited so long for it - and as his eye just seemed to be getting worse every day I was just so relieved and excited that finally they could do something to help him. Glasses, a patch, therapy, something. Anything. He hadnt given me a straight look in weeks, he just didnt look like himself. I could finally expect a resolve.

After seeing one doctor who checked his vision in both eyes and did some other tests, she excitedly informed me that his 3D vision was still very much intact and that it was so good that we had picked up on this early. It meant that in all likelihood with appropriate treatment it would be completely reversable. The risk with a squint is that the brain can start blocking messages from the offending eye, which in turn and lead to a loss of 3D vision, which is what helps us as humans to perceive depth in our surroundings and eventually, possibly even a total loss of sight. Picking it up so fast was good news for him. In went some drops to dialate his pupils for the consultant to check his eyes in half an hours time, and out we went for a half hour walk to allow for them to take effect.

Once back at the waiting room we waited an agonising 75mins, watching other children running in and out of his office for their regular check ups. They each took around 10-15 minutes. We waiting for what seemed and age, then eventually they called his name.

After looking at him for no more than two minutes right up in his face (his squint is very bad and most evident when he is given space, and looks at you across a room) the doctor annouces that as there is nothing wrong with his vision and therefore he will not need any immediate treatment. We should come back in four months time to see how he is progessing. I was speechless. I asked the only thing I could think of, could his head banging that has started of late along with mammoth tantrums and being very clumsy with his body be caused by headaches or be related to his eye problem? The only answer I got was "He's a boy!"...

The best his eyes get these days, week 6

A mixture of shock, sorrow and rage left me speechless to the point that I stood up and just did as he said as he asked me to "take this paper to the desk and make your appointment". I cried the whole way to the car. My poor baby was going to see in his second birthday unable to see properly. People are going to carry on asking me questions about it, telling me how much worse it was getting, like somehow I dont already know. Stragers will countinue to make pitying remarks in the street - yes, even in England! And there is nothing I can do to fix him, nothing I can do to help him. And, it would seem, there is nothing the NHS is willing to do to fix him either.

We are going to get a referal to see a private specialist this week. Im praying that he will have SOMETHING to tell us, other than to just leave him - especially after the risks of leaving this kind of condition untreated have been so clearly expressed to us.

MikeDreamy did call the rubbish doctor we saw on friday, later that afternoon after I discussed with him the results of our long awaited appointment. The doc said he'd taken some measurements (when, I have NO idea!?) and he would review them in FOUR MONTHS time. Not weeks. Months. As his vision is not the cause of the squint and they dont know what is, instead of trying to find out, we are supposed to wait.

So please, if you think of us in the coming weeks, a small prayer to The Father would not go amiss. Im exhausted from worry and not being able to fix my baby . Yet another reminder that he is not my own, but rather a son of God. We are trusting that through miracle or medicine his eyes will be healed and we appreciate any prayers you are willing to offer up.

Love and Blessings