I remember the feeling of him shifting into my ribs. The little tick-tick of his tiny hiccups. The very first kick. The very last kick. I remember prodding at my bump, while sitting on the operating table having my spinal done, to wake him up to say goodbye to him being just mine. I remember his first nappy change, his first breastfeed, his first bottle feed, his first bowl of cereal. I remember it like it all was yesterday.
I couldn't understand why my heart was so heavy at that moment, when I felt his last shift and thump into my ribs as the epidural started to work. I was minutes away from meeting my baby. It's what pregnancy had been preparing me for. I was getting to meet my baby! I know now that I felt heavy in my heart because I knew it was the last time he was going to be all mine. The last time I could completely protect him. The last moment before the outside world take its grip on him. I never thought about it again until today.
Levi has never been to school before today. You'd never have guessed. He looked for a hook to hang his bag on the second we walked in the door. He made a break for his classroom before we could even get his raincoat, which he INSISTED on wearing rather than his winter coat, off over his head. He excitedly bolted, as if there was a race to be won, and settled himself on a chair between two other little boys (one hanging on to his dad) to build block towers.
He never looked back. He didnt say goodbye. I watched him a while through the window. My heart swelled with pride and with pain. My eyes brimmed with tears. This time I knew all to well why I felt the way I did. Today I got to meet my little boy. He went to bed, still my baby, but this morning HE chose what coat he wanted to wear. When we bought it, I said it was for school. When he woke up, I said today was school day. He wanted to wear his raincoat. He put his own bag on his shoulders. He fed himself breakfast. He grew. I'm not entirely sure when. At two and a half he doesnt really talk yet, so its easy to forget. He's a little boy. And all too soon, he'll be a man.
And that, ladies, will make us OLD!